literature

Seppuku

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Daily Deviation

Daily Deviation

July 28, 2007
Seppuku by ~barnabus of course, has to be stabbing.
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Literature Text

A kitchen.   MAN and WOMAN stand centre stage, in front of a counter with drawers.  They are arguing as lights fade on.
WOMAN.  Look.  It’s not that hard.  I kill myself, and then you kill yourself.
MAN.  I don’t like the second part.
WOMAN.  It’s called a double suicide pact for a reason.
MAN.  Do I have to kill myself?
WOMAN.  What the hell kind of question is that?  Of course you do.
MAN.  I’m just not feeling it right now, is all.
WOMAN.  Oh, I’m sorry if I’m not setting the mood for you, crybaby.
MAN.  That was uncalled for.
WOMAN.  Well, when you stop being a crybaby I’ll stop calling you a crybaby.
MAN.  I’m not a crybaby.
WOMAN.  Are too.
MAN.  Am not.
WOMAN.  Are too.
MAN. Am not!
WOMAN.  Then quit your bitching and do it.
MAN.  I thought you said you were going first.
WOMAN.  Oh, for Christ’s sake, it doesn’t matter who goes first, we’ll both be dead.
MAN.  Can’t we do this tomorrow?
WOMAN.  You say that every time.  We’re doing this now.
MAN.  But I’m hungry.
WOMAN.  My God, it’s like talking to a child.  Are you dense?  You’re going to be dead.
MAN.  But I’m not dead right now.  Right now, I’m alive.  And hungry.
WOMAN.  You ate an hour ago.
MAN.  That was Chinese, though.
WOMAN.  You are not having anything to eat.
MAN.  I just want a sandwich.
WOMAN.  We are going to go through with this, once and for all.
MAN.  Just a bite.
WOMAN.  No.
MAN.  Just a tiny, little-
WOMAN.  Shut up!  Shut – up!  Take the knife and off yourself already!
MAN.  Hey, that’s my good knife.
WOMAN.  So?
MAN.  I don’t want to ruin my good knife.
WOMAN.  What does it matter?
MAN.  It’s a matter of principle.  Use one of the cheaper ones.
WOMAN.  I don’t believe this.

[Woman opens a drawer and puts the knife back in.  She takes out another one, a bread knife.]

WOMAN.  What about this?  Is this to your satisfaction, your majesty?
MAN.  That’s a bread knife.
WOMAN.  What’s wrong with this one?
MAN.  It’s serrated and stuff.  That’ll hurt.
WOMAN.  It’s going to hurt no matter what you do.  For God’s sake, you’re stabbing yourself.
MAN.  Does it have to be stabbing?  Why are you so adamant about the stabbing?
WOMAN.  Well I didn’t hear you offering any alternatives.
MAN.  What about my cigarette idea?
WOMAN.  We are not killing ourselves by starting smoking.
MAN.  The surgeon general would disagree with you there.  
WOMAN.  We are killing ourselves, and we are killing ourselves efficiently.  That means knives.
MAN.  Okay, fine.  You go first.
WOMAN.  There’s no way in hell I’m going first.  You’ll wuss out.
MAN.  No I wouldn’t.
WOMAN.  Oh, really?  I don’t believe you.
MAN.  Maybe I wouldn’t die immediately after you…
WOMAN.  What’s that supposed to mean?
MAN.  Well, the smoking would take a while until-
WOMAN.  There is no smoking!  There is only you, and the knife!
MAN.  You know my stance on the whole ‘knife’ issue.
WOMAN.  You are pathetic.  Do you want me to do it for you?
MAN.  Not really, no.
WOMAN.  Then what do you want?
MAN.  A sandwich would be great.
WOMAN.  We are not talking about sandwiches, we are not talking about smoking, we are not talking about anything except killing ourselves right here, right now, do you understand that?   Now, are you going to kill yourself, or do I have to do it?
MAN.  Can we do neither?
WOMAN.  That’s not an option.

[WOMAN offers MAN the knife, hilt first.  Hesitantly, he takes it.]

Come on.

[MAN turns toward the audience and holds the knife out in front of him.  He plunges it in the crook of the arm not facing WOMAN.   He gasps and falls to the floor, flailing wildly.]

MAN.  Argh, I’m dying, I’m dying…
WOMAN.  You must think I’m an idiot.
MAN.  Can’t reply, I’m dying… dying…
WOMAN sighs.
MAN.  Dying…
WOMAN.  Get up.
MAN.  I can’t, I’m too dead…
WOMAN.  Get up.
MAN.  It’s… your turn now.
WOMAN.  Get up.
MAN.  Take the knife… fulfill the pact…
WOMAN.  Oh, fuck it.

[WOMAN takes the knife and stabs herself.  She falls to her knees, gurgling, then slumps to the floor, lifeless.  After a moment, MAN sits up and gives her a nudge.]

MAN.  ‘Bout time you offed yourself, bitch.  As if I was going to do that shit.

[He reaches into his pocket and takes out a cell phone.  He dials a number.]

MAN.  Hey, Lindsey, what’s up, it’s me.  Are we still on for dinner tonight?

[Lights out.  Curtains fall.]
Wrote this in just under an hour. Inspired by an article I read about a wedded Iranian couple who were so racked with guilt about having pre-marital sex, they decided to kill themselves. Except after the wife hanged herself, the husband decided," on second thought, fuck that." roofles.
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Neo128's avatar
Suicide pacts... Invalid in every court in the world. Problem is they're irrevocable. :|