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'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;

Cookies and milk were laid out on the table,

With carrots for Rudolph and the rest of the stable;

The children were tweaked out and couldn't get sleep,

While they waited for gifts, toys and goodies to reap;

They had just snorted Ritalin to stay well aware

Of the sounds of the night and if St. Nick was there.

Then there was a crash and a bang and a swear,

And the sound of somebody kicking a chair.

The children sprang up and out of their beds,

While visions of awesome toys danced in their heads.

Into the living room they jostled and ran

To find, instead of St. Nick, a quite different man.

He had flowing white robes and wore his hair long,

There was something amiss; something had to be wrong.

This was not Santa as they had fervently hoped;

They began to back off before they got groped.

"Who are you?" asked the brother," And why are you here?"

The man fixed his halo and wiped soot off his rear.

"Who am I?" Asked the man, his words sharp and bitter,

"Has all of your Sunday school gone down the shitter?

I'm the Lord Jesus Christ, Santa doesn't exist!

He only lives in the mind of the consumerist.

This is the day where you celebrate ME,

Not some elf who has issues with obesity."

The girl clung to her brother and cried out in fear,

He held her there closely and covered her ear.

But before he could respond to the son of God's words,

There was a familiar sound that everyone heard;

The clatter of hooves and the rumbling of laughter

It could only be he who they were originally after!

A sack dropped into sight with a small cloud of soot,

Followed closely by a heavy and black-booted foot.

Jesus attempted to close the fireplace

But caught a mouthful of boot as St. Nick kicked his face.

St. Nick freed himself from the chimney's confines

And he laughed heartily as he had many times.

"Don't exist?" said St. Nick," Well that can’t be right,

Or I wouldn't be here, this night or any night.

As for stealing your thunder, I'm sorry to say

That progress is progress, and it's progressing my way.

Now usually my list is of naughty and nice,

Which I would check over at least twice or thrice,

But this year is different," said jolly St. Nick,

"This year is a list full of asses to kick,

And sorry to say, but you're top of the list,

You're interfering with business and you won't be missed."

"Let's see you try, fat-ass!" The son of God spat.

They grappled and fell, rolling this way and that.

They traded punches and blows; they kicked, screamed and bit,

They knocked over the tree and the decor on it.

Their breathing came heavily, their faces were red,

"You're dead," screamed the Saviour," You're dead old man, dead!"

The boy could take it no longer. "STOP! BOTH OF YOU!

You're acting like children, now look at you two!

You've knocked over the tree; you've knocked over the snacks,

My sister is frightened, there's scum on your backs.

I've had quite enough of both of your behaviour,

I see now the viewpoints of St. Nick and our Saviour,

If you guys are like this, I know what I must do;

To hell with this Christmas shit, I'm turning Jew."

He put on a yarmulke and left with his sibling

To leave the two figures alone with their quibbling.

They looked at each other, embarrassed, ashamed.

"I'm sorry," said Jesus. Santa felt the same.

They put back the furniture and put up the tree,

Jesus following Santa back up the chimney.

They got in the sleigh and they rode off together

Into the snowy Christmas Eve weather.

But they called out together, ere they rode out of sight,

"Happy Chanukah to all, and to all a good night!"
I'm going to hell.
Add a Comment:
 
:iconthedorsai:
TheDorsai Featured By Owner Oct 15, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
It would sound better as "kicked IN his face" and it's still awesome as is. Great job.
Reply
:iconsabtab96:
sabtab96 Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2012
WRITING.NINJA.period
Reply
:icongure-sama19chi-kun98:
Gure-sama19Chi-kun98 Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2011
This is so amusing!
I love it!

-Chi~
Reply
:iconivymonroe97:
IvyMonroe97 Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2011  Student General Artist
Best.Poem.Ever.
Reply
:iconmechaice:
Mechaice Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2010  Student
omg that was mean n funny. aww God's gonna hate me ........................==
Reply
:iconchaoticwaltz:
chaoticwaltz Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
Rofl xD Had to stop and read this one again too.
Maaaan, I love your literature.
Reply
:iconyawndo:
yawndo Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2009  Student General Artist
OMG.
Reply
:iconjackallenart:
JackAllenArt Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2009  Professional Digital Artist
made my day:D
Reply
:iconorgan-cakes:
Organ-Cakes Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2009
Three words for you:

Best.
Poem
EVER.
Reply
:iconlostsoulxlonelyheart:
lostsoulxlonelyheart Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2009   Writer
I love this xD
Reply
:iconmollymews:
MollyMews Featured By Owner Apr 23, 2009
Sneaky jew!
I know this is old, 6 years. But I must say, bravo.
Reply
:iconchaos-kaizer:
chaos-kaizer Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2008
sorry, that was the "The Christmas Horde"
Reply
:iconchaos-kaizer:
chaos-kaizer Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2008
lol its keep getting weirder last it it was the barbarian. gonna love the rhythm & ebil jesus
Reply
:iconle-pain-perdu:
Le-Pain-Perdu Featured By Owner Jul 3, 2008  Professional Artisan Crafter
:paranoid: No one saw me fave this...
Reply
:iconmusiclover209:
musiclover209 Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2008
OMFG, yes, you'll probably get a few marks against you for this, but it is sooooo brilliant! :D :+fav:
Reply
:iconangelfire8376:
AngelFire8376 Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2007  Hobbyist Writer
peopel really have forgotten the true meaning of christmas.. lol.. this is great tho.. I loved it.. i deffently like the agruments between santa and Jesus but i doubt Jesus would say those things. Good job tho.. :-)
Reply
:iconvivinefertari:
vivinefertari Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2007
I'm Christian,and yes I do believe you're going to hell for this.
But it's funny anyway.
I pray that He forgives you.
Reply
:iconinkspider:
Inkspider Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2007
Love this!
Especially 'To hell with this Christmas shit, I'm turning Jew."'

I wish I had the
a) sense of humour; and
b) skill with making shit ryhme
to do this.

+fav
Reply
:iconblue44:
Blue44 Featured By Owner Aug 3, 2007  Student Writer
i read your comment before i read it. yup. hell for you :XD:
me too for laughing my ass off at it :XD:
Reply
:iconmaskmaker24:
Maskmaker24 Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2007  Hobbyist General Artist
:rofl: No, you are living on forever in these words.
Reply
:iconmoonbuggs:
moonbuggs Featured By Owner May 14, 2007  Hobbyist Photographer
you...are...AMAZINGGGGG :heart:
Reply
:iconbuchyex:
Buchyex Featured By Owner Jan 20, 2007
Going to hell? No way, you are going to heaven for creating this masterpiece. Hilarious.
Reply
:icontorn-straightjacket:
ToRn-StRAigHtJaCkET Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2006
hahahaha...I think that's one of the most amazing things I've ever read.
Reply
:iconbluxgirlx13:
bluXgirlX13 Featured By Owner Aug 23, 2006
Excellent. The flow is perfect, the ryhmes are flawless, and ya had me laughing the whole way through. Love it! Totally :+fav:-ing.
Reply
:iconhandcuffz22:
handcuffz22 Featured By Owner May 26, 2006
kick ass
Reply
:iconpamz0rs:
Pamz0rs Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2005
lmao for teh win :heart: your writing is something new and refreshing. i love your use of satire
Reply
:iconrcu49p9gz:
rcu49p9gz Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2005
:laughing: That's funny as hell! :nod:
Planet Smashers :thumbsup:
Reply
:icondelayed-reaction:
dElAYeD-rEActioN Featured By Owner Jul 3, 2005
Hahaha, perfect. And don't worry, all the really interesting and funny people go to hell.
Reply
:iconrinikins:
Rinikins Featured By Owner Jul 3, 2005   Artisan Crafter
lol "To hell with Christmas, Im becoming a Jew." heh, not the exact wording, but thats halarious lol
Reply
:icondibship:
Dibship Featured By Owner May 20, 2005  Hobbyist Writer
thats the best thing i've read....well ever!
Reply
:iconshadowcatlurking:
ShadowCatLurking Featured By Owner Mar 13, 2005
That.... was... beautiful.... :+fav:
Reply
:icondejenerate:
dejeNerate Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2005
omg!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! love the rhymes and stuff

"To hell with this Christmas shit, I'm turning Jew."
:rofl:
Reply
:iconspike2die4:
spike2die4 Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2005
FAV!!!
Reply
:iconrogyn:
Rogyn Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2005   Writer
Oh. Man. So hilarious.
This was such a total joy to read. Not only is it witty and funny but it's well written and it flows perfectly. I've read things by some insanely funny people who just could not write to save their life, so it never truly worked out in the end. But you've got it all here, and you leave me wanting more and more and more.

Faaaaaave. First piece of writing I've ever faved, too.
Reply
:iconprojectfuzz:
ProjectFUZZ Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2005   Digital Artist
This is possibly the greatest poem ever...
Reply
:iconsmaddox:
SMaddox Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2005   Interface Designer
hehehe. Very funny. You took a piece that has been mimicked many times, and did a better job than I have ever seen.

Congratulations :)
Reply
:iconartattack666:
artattack666 Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2005
LOL, wow, this is a refreshing take on Christmas! very nice, and great rhyming
Reply
:iconblue-eyed-lenore:
blue-eyed-lenore Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2005
hah!that ROXX!
Reply
:icongreendice:
greendice Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2005  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Don't have the time to read but WOOT PLANETTttttttttt :D
Reply
:iconfiredolphin:
FireDolphin Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2005
I join!!
Reply
:iconwhenpigsfry:
WhenPigsFry Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2005  Hobbyist General Artist
Now that's funny stuff. I love when people twist up that poem.
Reply
:iconpoisoned-hopedbliss:
poisoned-hopedbliss Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2005
wow

haha, nicely written
Reply
:iconskek:
Skek Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2004
This is very clever, and your rhymes are natural. The story is enjoyable as well.

(And I love the Planet Smashers.)
Reply
:iconbob-x:
bob-x Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2004
Holy shit! Yes, this is getting a +fav as well, and I'm adding you to my devwatch. You did an awesome job with this as well.
Reply
:iconaryannajtc:
aryannaJTC Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2004   Writer
OMFG! I Love It! I hear Hell is nice this time of eternity, but dont worry, you'll have a lot of fans!
Reply
:iconbroken-grl:
broken-grl Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2004
thats sume funny shit!
Reply
:iconmonadax:
MonaDax Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2004
yeah, you are going to hell, but i think its worth it cause the poem is awesome
Reply
:icondanielzklein:
danielzklein Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2004  Hobbyist Writer
"Don't exist?" said St. Nick," Well that can’t be right,

Or I would not be here, this night or any night.


Try 'this or any other night' for better flow, maybe?

I was gonna leave for my parents' place 10 mins ago, damnit ;P This kicks ass :D
Reply
:iconbarnabus:
barnabus Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2004
When I say it out loud putting "other" in there sounds clunky, like the line has too many syllables.

Maybe I should upload a reading.
Reply
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December 22, 2003
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