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Literature by barbels

Literature by JustLetMeSleep

Writings by TheDorsai

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Submitted on
December 22, 2003
File Size
4.6 KB


95 (who?)

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;

Cookies and milk were laid out on the table,

With carrots for Rudolph and the rest of the stable;

The children were tweaked out and couldn't get sleep,

While they waited for gifts, toys and goodies to reap;

They had just snorted Ritalin to stay well aware

Of the sounds of the night and if St. Nick was there.

Then there was a crash and a bang and a swear,

And the sound of somebody kicking a chair.

The children sprang up and out of their beds,

While visions of awesome toys danced in their heads.

Into the living room they jostled and ran

To find, instead of St. Nick, a quite different man.

He had flowing white robes and wore his hair long,

There was something amiss; something had to be wrong.

This was not Santa as they had fervently hoped;

They began to back off before they got groped.

"Who are you?" asked the brother," And why are you here?"

The man fixed his halo and wiped soot off his rear.

"Who am I?" Asked the man, his words sharp and bitter,

"Has all of your Sunday school gone down the shitter?

I'm the Lord Jesus Christ, Santa doesn't exist!

He only lives in the mind of the consumerist.

This is the day where you celebrate ME,

Not some elf who has issues with obesity."

The girl clung to her brother and cried out in fear,

He held her there closely and covered her ear.

But before he could respond to the son of God's words,

There was a familiar sound that everyone heard;

The clatter of hooves and the rumbling of laughter

It could only be he who they were originally after!

A sack dropped into sight with a small cloud of soot,

Followed closely by a heavy and black-booted foot.

Jesus attempted to close the fireplace

But caught a mouthful of boot as St. Nick kicked his face.

St. Nick freed himself from the chimney's confines

And he laughed heartily as he had many times.

"Don't exist?" said St. Nick," Well that can’t be right,

Or I wouldn't be here, this night or any night.

As for stealing your thunder, I'm sorry to say

That progress is progress, and it's progressing my way.

Now usually my list is of naughty and nice,

Which I would check over at least twice or thrice,

But this year is different," said jolly St. Nick,

"This year is a list full of asses to kick,

And sorry to say, but you're top of the list,

You're interfering with business and you won't be missed."

"Let's see you try, fat-ass!" The son of God spat.

They grappled and fell, rolling this way and that.

They traded punches and blows; they kicked, screamed and bit,

They knocked over the tree and the decor on it.

Their breathing came heavily, their faces were red,

"You're dead," screamed the Saviour," You're dead old man, dead!"

The boy could take it no longer. "STOP! BOTH OF YOU!

You're acting like children, now look at you two!

You've knocked over the tree; you've knocked over the snacks,

My sister is frightened, there's scum on your backs.

I've had quite enough of both of your behaviour,

I see now the viewpoints of St. Nick and our Saviour,

If you guys are like this, I know what I must do;

To hell with this Christmas shit, I'm turning Jew."

He put on a yarmulke and left with his sibling

To leave the two figures alone with their quibbling.

They looked at each other, embarrassed, ashamed.

"I'm sorry," said Jesus. Santa felt the same.

They put back the furniture and put up the tree,

Jesus following Santa back up the chimney.

They got in the sleigh and they rode off together

Into the snowy Christmas Eve weather.

But they called out together, ere they rode out of sight,

"Happy Chanukah to all, and to all a good night!"
I'm going to hell.
Add a Comment:
TheDorsai Featured By Owner Oct 15, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
It would sound better as "kicked IN his face" and it's still awesome as is. Great job.
sabtab96 Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2012
Gure-sama19Chi-kun98 Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2011
This is so amusing!
I love it!

IvyMonroe97 Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2011  Student General Artist
Mechaice Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2010  Student
omg that was mean n funny. aww God's gonna hate me ........................==
Choco-Doodle Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
Rofl xD Had to stop and read this one again too.
Maaaan, I love your literature.
ninilli Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2009  Hobbyist General Artist
JackAllenArt Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2009  Professional Digital Artist
made my day:D
Organ-Cakes Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2009
Three words for you:

lostsoulxlonelyheart Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2009   Writer
I love this xD
Add a Comment: