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A bare stage.  GUY 1 is standing CENTRE stage.

GUY 2 [entering].  Hey.
GUY 1.  Hey.
GUY 2.  What's going on?
GUY 1.  I’m watching that burning house over there.
GUY 2.  What burning house?
GUY 1.  It's offstage.
GUY 2.  Oh.
GUY 1.  But it's there.
GUY 2.  What for?
GUY 1.  It’s a plot device.
GUY 2.  A what?
GUY 1.  A plot device.  Something introduced to the narrative in order to advance it.  In this case, a burning house.
GUY 2.  Oh.  How's that working out?
GUY 1.  Well, you showed up.
GUY 2.  Is it a symbol or something?
GUY 1.  Probably.
GUY 2.  I don't get it.
GUY 1.  Yeah, neither do I.
GUY 2.  I don’t think I like this plot device.
GUY 1.  Give it some time.  Sit down, have a smoke.
GUY 2.  I don't smoke.
GUY 1.  Well this is my story and in my story you smoke.
GUY 2.  I don't want to smoke.
GUY 1.  Smoke the goddamn cigarette.

[GUY 2 takes a cigarette from GUY 1 and takes a drag from it.  He chokes and coughs.]

Way to smoke.

GUY 2.  I said I didn't smoke, didn't I?  If the smoking is so important you should have lit one up.
GUY 1.  I don't smoke.
GUY 2.  Shouldn't there be firemen on that house by now?
GUY 1.  We don't have any firemen.
GUY 2.  Who do we have?
GUY 1.  So far?  You and me.


And her.

GUY 2.  Who's that?
GUY 1.  The romantic interest.
GUY 2.  She's not too bad.
GUY 1.  She's doable.

[Enter JERK stage RIGHT. ]

GUY 2.  Another guy?  We already have two.
GUY 1.  He’s important.  I’ll make him important.
GUY 2.  How's that?
GUY 1.  He's the jerk boyfriend.  Eventually she realizes he’s a jerk and falls in love with me, who's been under her nose all along.
GUY 2.  You don't even know her.
GUY 1.  It's my story.

[Enter RANDOM stage RIGHT. ]

GUY 2.  What about that guy?
GUY 1.  I don't know.  He exits stage left and we never see him again.

[Exit RANDOM stage LEFT.  We never see him again.]

GUY 2.  Here she comes.
GUY 1.  How do I look?
GUY 2.  Simian.
GUY 1.  Thanks.

[LOVE INTEREST sniffles.]

Excuse me.

GUY 1.  Hi.
GUY 1.  Would you like to fall in love?
LOVE INTEREST.  Excuse me?
GUY 1.  Fall in love.  With me.
LOVE INTEREST.  I don't understand...
GUY 1.  Your boyfriend's a jerk, so he's not an option, and you hate smokers, so that leaves out this guy here.
GUY 2.  You asshole.
LOVE INTEREST.  Is this a joke?
GUY 1.  No.  Don't fall in love with me straight away, though.  We need to draw out the sexual tension until our eyes meet under the stars or something.  Then we kiss, fade to black and everybody goes home happy.
LOVE INTEREST.  I don't get it.
GUY 1.  That's how romances are done.  Nobody cares about the kiss itself.  That’s what porn is for.   [to GUY 2. ]  Are you done with that cigarette?
GUY 2.  Almost.
GUY 1.  Here's another.  Welcome to flavour country.

[GUY 2 accepts it with a sigh.]

[JERK approaches.]

JERK.  What the fucking cockshit?
LOVE INTEREST.  Oh no, please, Jerry, I was just…
JERK.  Fuck that fuck, I'm fucking pissed the fuck fucking.
LOVE INTEREST.  We were just talking…
JERK.  Fucking football ass shit ass shit shit fuck slut.
GUY 2.  I hope there aren't any kids in the audience.
GUY 1.  He doesn't care; he's an asshole like that.
JERK.  Fuck.
LOVE INTEREST.  No, Jerry, I told you, I don't want to discuss the finer points of Marxist economic theory right now.
JERK.  Cockslap a bitch fuck fucking ass.
LOVE INTEREST.  I'm Smithian and always will be.  Your eloquent rhetoric will never change that.
JERK.  Motherfucking fuckass fuck a duck.
LOVE INTEREST [with a sob].    Now you're just being hurtful!
JERK.  Fuck!

[JERK exits stage LEFT.  LOVE INTEREST cries.   GUY 1 opens his arms.  After a moment, she flings herself violently into them and cries on his shoulder.  Eventually she stops crying and they catch each other’s eyes.  They pause for a moment.]

GUY 1.  Beat.
GUY 1.  In dramaturgy, this is called a beat.  It's a division of the scene when two characters have made a mutual discovery.  In this case, you have discovered that I am your true love and I have discovered I have a chance of scoring.  And it all happened under silvery moonlight.
GUY 2.  We’re indoors.
GUY 1.  My story.
LOVE INTEREST.  I want to kiss you.
GUY 1.  Damn straight.

[They kiss.  Tenderly at first, but then they start to get a little carried away.]

GUY 2.  Whoa, whoa!  I’m right here.
GUY 1 [between kisses]. My story!
GUY 2.  You know what?  I'm getting sick of "your story".  This is my story now.  And my story has pirates in it.

[Enter PIRATE 1 stage RIGHT. ]

I said pirates!

[Enter PIRATE 2 stage RIGHT.]

PIRATE 2.  What up?
GUY 2.  Hell yeah!  Do some funky pirate stuff.
PIRATE 1.  Like what?
GUY 2.  I don't know.  Do a pirate dance.

[The PIRATES dance.]

Now this story is going places.

GUY 1.  What?  This is stupid.  Romances don't have pirates in them.
GUY 2.  This isn't romance.  This is mile-a-minute action, baby!

[PIRATE 1 starts "waxing that ass."]

LOVE INTEREST.  Those guys are freaking me out.
GUY 1 [to PIRATES].  Hey.  Hey!

[The PIRATES stop dancing.]

You're killing the mood over here.

PIRATE 1.  Just doing as we're told.
GUY 1.  Get out of here.

[PIRATES exit stage RIGHT, grumbling.]

GUY 2.  I went along with your crappy story.
GUY 1.  My story is not crappy.
GUY 2.  Yeah it is.
GUY 1.  Is not!
GUY 2.  You're just jealous because my story also has robots in it.

[Enter PIRATE 1 stage RIGHT. ]

I said robots this time.

PIRATE 1.   I didn't have time for a costume change.  Pretend I'm a robot pirate.
GUY 2.  That's stupid.
GUY 1.  Your whole story is stupid.  It's not even a story.  Mine has an intricate plot, yours is just some pirates.
GUY 2.  He's a robot.

[PIRATE 1 starts doing the robot.]

LOVE INTEREST.  Somebody please tell the dancing pirate to stop, seriously.
GUY 2.  He can't help it!  Poppin' fresh moves flow through his veins like a mighty river.

[Enter PIRATE 2 stage RIGHT with rope.]

PIRATE 2.  Did someone ask for a reef knot?
GUY 2.  No man, a robot.
PIRATE 2.  Oh.


PIRATE 2 stage RIGHT. ]

GUY 1.  This is ridiculous.   [to PIRATE 1] Stop dancing.

[PIRATE 1 stops dancing.]

Exit stage right.

[Exit PIRATE 1 stage RIGHT. ]

GUY 2.  Alright, I see how it is.  Beat.
GUY 1.  Beat?
GUY 2.  That's right, beat.  Your romantic interest just discovered your horrible secret.


GUY 1.  I don't have a horrible secret.
GUY 2.  That's not what you told... her sister!
LOVE INTEREST [slapping GUY 1].  You bastard!  I hate you!
GUY 1. Ow, damn!
GUY 2.  Enter Pirate 1, stage right.

[Enter PIRATE 1 stage RIGHT. ]

She runs into the pirate's waiting arms.

PIRATE 1.  What?

[LOVE INTEREST runs into PIRATE 1’s arms.]

GUY 2.  They get married and she forgets about you.
PIRATE 1.  Sweet.
GUY 2.  After they exit stage left.

[Exit PIRATE 1 and LOVE INTEREST stage LEFT. ]

And they spend their days dancing the night away.  You can't really tell because they're offstage, but rest assured they're dancing their hearts out.  The end.

[Lights begin to dim]

GUY 1.  Hey!

[Lights go back up]

What was that for?
GUY 2.  Also, the burning house was your house.  The end.

[Lights begin to dim]

GUY 1 [to lighting booth].   Turn those goddamn lights up now.

[Lights go up, quickly]

[to GUY 2] That’s the way you want it, huh?  That’s the little game you’re playing?  You slap yourself.

[GUY 2 slaps himself.]

GUY 2.  Ow!  You slap yourself.

[GUY 1 slaps himself.  There is a pause, and then both GUYS roll up their sleeves. Every order is followed by the appropriate action]

GUY 1.  Punch your arm.
GUY 2.  Punch your leg.
GUY 1.  Lick the floor.
GUY 2.  Bite your tongue.
GUY 1.  Pull your hair.
GUY 2.  Pluck an eyelash.
GUY 1.  Poke your eye.
GUY 2.  Twist your nipples.
GUY 1.  Twist your nipples.
GUY 2.  Twist harder!
GUY 1.  You too!
GUY 1 and 2.  Run into the wall.

[They both run full tilt into the wall.  They fall to the ground, breathing heavily.]

GUY 1 [after a pause].   Do you give up?
GUY 2.  Never.
GUY 1.  Good.
GUY 2.  Good.
GUY 1.  Good!


GUY 2 [softly].   Good.

[Enter LOVE INTEREST stage LEFT. ]

LOVE INTEREST [to GUY 2].  You. Yeah, you.  You screwed me over!
GUY 2.  What do you mean?
LOVE INTEREST.  What do I mean?  What do I mean?   You said I would live happily ever after.  Ever!
GUY 2.  Well…
LOVE INTEREST.  Shut up.  You know what else you said?
GUY 2.  Um…
LOVE INTEREST.  Shut up!  You said I’d spend the rest of my days dancing.  That’s a lot of days.  And you know what?  Some days, I don’t want to dance.  Some days I want to stay at home and watch TV, or read a book, or call my friends.  That’s not even the half of it.  Shut up.
GUY 2.  I didn’t…
LOVE INTEREST.  Shush!  To think, you want me to marry a pirate, too.  A pirate.  Do you realize how little market demand there is for a pirate these days?
GUY 2 [mumbling].   Sorry.
LOVE INTEREST.  What was that?
GUY 2.  I said sorry.
LOVE INTEREST.  Sorry?  You’re sorry?
GUY 2.  Look, what do you want?
LOVE INTEREST.  How about… how about I tell a story.
GUY 1.  No.
LOVE INTEREST.  Yes.  Yes, I think I will. I like that.  You boys have had your fun, it’s my turn now.
GUY 1.  There are no “turns.”  I was telling the story.
LOVE INTEREST.  Not anymore.  I am now.   [Looks around]   I need more characters.  Pirate and Jerry, re-enter!

[Enter PIRATE 1 and JERK stage LEFT]

GUY 1.  As if this wasn’t already ridiculous.
GUY 2.  Just let her do it.
LOVE INTEREST.  That’s right, listen to him.
GUY 2.  Thanks.
LOVE INTEREST.  Shut up.  Now…



GUY 1.  …Well?
LOVE INTEREST.  I’m thinking.
GUY 1.  Thinking?  Thinking about what?
LOVE INTEREST.  Thinking about what to do.
GUY 1.  Are you serious?  You took command without any idea of what you wanted to do?
LOVE INTEREST.  Be quiet.  Sit down.  All of you.

[They sit.]

Now… Oh!  Oh, I know.

PIRATE 1.  What?
LOVE INTEREST. A murder mystery.
GUY 1.  You can’t be serious.
LOVE INTEREST.  I’m very serious.  I love whodunits.
GUY 1 [sighing].   Fine.  Fine, get it over with.

[LOVE INTEREST moves downstage.  She clears her throat and begins.]

LOVE INTEREST.  It all began when a group of strangers met on a deserted island for a party…


Ahem.  It all began.

PIRATE 1.  Do we… say something now?
LOVE INTEREST.  Yes, you say something now.
PIRATE 1.  Like what?
LOVE INTEREST.  Talk about the party!
PIRATE 1.  Oh.   [turns to other guests.  Delivers his lines rapidly and monotonously] My what a mysterious party on this mysterious island with you mysterious strangers I hope no evil befalls us would you agree dear fellow.
GUY 2.  Quite.
GUY 1.  I concur.
LOVE INTEREST.  Stop.  That was terrible.
PIRATE 1.  Look, I’m doing my best with what’s being given.
LOVE INTEREST.  Fine.  We’ll move on.  The night progressed without a hitch, until—suddenly—the lights went out!

[Lights go out.]

Two gunshots rang!

[Two gunshots ring.]

A woman screamed!


Somebody scream!

GUY 2.  Ah.
LOVE INTEREST.  And when the lights came back on, what did they find but…

[Lights come back on.  Everybody is sitting in the same position as before.]

…The Colonel… was dead!

[She turns around and realizes nobody moved.]

What are you guys doing?

GUY 1.  Sitting here.
LOVE INTEREST.  One of you was supposed to die.  That was the point.
GUY 2.  Oh.
LOVE INTEREST.  It’s a murder mystery, people.  You can’t have a murder mystery without murder.
GUY 2.  Try again, then.
GUY 1.  Can we not?
LOVE INTEREST.  We’re doing it again.  This time, the Colonel dies, got it?   [Turns back toward audience]   The evening appeared to be going swimmingly.  That is, until the fateful moment when the lights went out.

[Lights go out.]

Two gunshots rang!

[Two gunshots ring.]

A woman screamed!

GUY 2.  Eek.

LOVE INTEREST.  And when the lights came back on, the Colonel was… dead!

[Lights come back on.  Nobody has moved.  Everybody sitting looks at each other.]

GUY 2.  Um.
GUY 2.  Who’s the Colonel?

[LOVE INTEREST turns back]

LOVE INTEREST.  Are you guys really this stupid?  Jesus.   [Points to PIRATE 1. ] You.  You’re the Colonel.
PIRATE 1.  I don’t want to die.
LOVE INTEREST.  Too bad.  The rest of you, decide who’s the murderer.  God knows at this point that’s the next thing you’d screw up.

[The others huddle to confer.  After a few moments, they break.]


[They nod.]


[Lights out.]




GUY 2.  Ooh.
LOVE INTEREST.  Lights up!

[Lights up.   PIRATE 1 is lying on the floor. GUY 2 holding a gun.]

GUY 1.  I think I solved the mystery.
LOVE INTEREST.  No.  No, no, no!  You put the gun away before lights come back up.  Jesus!  You guys really are stupid.
GUY 1.  We’re not stupid.  You’re just a bad director.
LOVE INTEREST.  I am not a bad director.   [To others]   You guys are with me, right?
GUY 2.  Well…
PIRATE 1.  Uh…
JERK [leaping to his feet].   Balls!
LOVE INTEREST.  Go ahead, Jerry.  I can’t get anything out of these people.
GUY 1.  What does he want?
LOVE INTEREST.  He says he wants to do something.
GUY 1.  No.  Absolutely not.  This has turned into enough of a circus as it is.
JERK.  Fuck.
LOVE INTEREST.  He says he’s already taken the liberty of preparing something.
JERK.  Fucking.
LOVE INTEREST.  “A poignant existential piece exploring man’s emotional relationship with reality.”
GUY 1.  Oh.  That doesn’t sound too bad, I guess.

[JERK takes several sheets of paper out of his pockets.  Hands one sheet apiece to everybody but LOVE INTEREST.  He motions the others to begin.]

[GUY 1 looks from his sheet to JERK, then back to his sheet.]

GUY 1.  This is not a play.
JERK.  Shit.
GUY 1.  No, it’s not.  It’s a sheet of paper with the word “dicks” written on it over and over again. [turns over the page]   On both sides!
JERK.  Dicks!
GUY 1.  Yes, dicks.  Dicks dicks dicks!  Is this supposed to mean something?  Is this supposed to be… theatre?   I was telling a reasonable story and now it’s a farce, a goddamn farce.  People go to the theatre to be…God, I don’t know, educated.   When the lights go up and you leave the building, you should have learned something.  You should take something home with you.  What in the hell are you going to take home with “dicks?”
JERK.  Post-modern.  Fuck.
GUY 1.  This is not post-modern.  This is juvenile.  This is… I don’t even know what this is.  But hey, as long as everybody gets a turn, right?  As long as everybody gets a chance to spin their respective yarn.  All stories are equal, eh, comrades? [to PIRATE 1]  I suppose you have something too, right?  Words that are just aching to be told.
PIRATE 1.  Uh…  no, not really.
GUY 1.  Oh no, please, be my guest.  The horse is still twitching, it can stand another beating or two.
PIRATE 1.  I like horses.
GUY 2.  Maybe we should all settle down.
GUY 1.  Shut up.
GUY 2.  No, you shut up.

[Everybody but PIRATE 1 begins to squabble.  Finally, once he’s had enough, he yells above everybody.]

PIRATE 1.  Stop!

[Everybody falls silent.]

I do have a story to tell.

GUY 1.  Fantastic.
PIRATE 1.  It’s about these guys.  And a girl.  Guys and a girl.  And they were fighting.  And then… then they stopped and were friends again.


GUY 1.  Is that it?
PIRATE 1.  Yes.
GUY 2.  I think he’s talking about us.
GUY 1.  I gathered that, thanks.
GUY 2.  So?
GUY 1.  So what?
GUY 2.  You know what.

[GUY 1 shuffles his feet.]

GUY 1.  I’m sorry.


GUY 2.  Hey.


Me too.

LOVE INTEREST.  Me too, I guess.
JERK.  Pussy.
GUY 1 and 2. Beat.
GUY 1.  I'd hug you but I'm homophobic.
GUY 2.  So now what?
GUY 1.  We can stay here.
GUY 2.  Let's not.
GUY 1.  Okay.

[GUY 1 and GUY 2 exit stage LEFT. ]

[LOVE INTEREST, PIRATE 1 and JERK look at each other.  LOVE INTEREST steps downstage.]

LOVE INTEREST [with sudden flourish].   It was a dark and stormy night…

[Lights out.]

Finally, something that isn't about dying. I used an idea from `Astrophel (the burning house plot device) and hey, it worked.

I stayed up far later than I should have to finish this.

14/4/05: Now (relatively) coherent!

25/6/06: Major revision. Added a new bit. I tried to make it even longer in addition to the new part but I didn't like it so I stopped after that. Enjoy.

8/8/06: HOLY HELL HUGE REVISION. I am entering this into a fringe festival and wanted to make it even longer. I finally had a good idea of how to do it. And it worked.

Beautiful preview image by ~moyan . I don't know why it took me so long to use it.
Add a Comment:

Daily Deviation

Given 2005-04-30
~barnabus wrote Nothing; and he started with a burning house. This play is chock-full of self-reference, hilarity, plot-twists, and pirates! You know you want to read it. ( Suggested by danielzklein and Featured by MinorKey )
Neoseraph24 Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2009
I've just re-read this and my word! I forgot how brilliant this is. It's the sort of thing that you read and think it should be included in school programmes for generally being awesome but for showing how you can do amazing things with theatrical techniques and ingenuity. How'd it go with the fringe angle? Did it get accepted? I would love to see this actualy in production!
barnabus Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2009
Yep, we went through it and put it on, and it shared a night with my favourite show of the rest of the festival. It was pretty sweet. There was a local director who really liked the concept and wanted to develop it, but then he kept being way to busy to ever make good on it.
Neoseraph24 Featured By Owner Aug 27, 2009
Aw man that sucks! But hey that must be awesome to see your work actually playing and alive like that! :) I'd encourage you to press on with the director guy and you might get somewhere eventually but I can imagine it's quite hard to persevere in a situation like that. But yeah, awesome! :D
Hangman13 Featured By Owner May 1, 2008
Man, I laughed quite a bit at this. Very good.
Cherri13 Featured By Owner May 18, 2007
Today was the first time i have read this all the way through it is beyond brilliant and it makes me laugh which ceverybody needs everynow and agian :D
inziladun Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2006   Writer
barnabus Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2006
i don't see why not, it's a perfectly cromulent word

i pretty much chucked this version out the window anyway, try the new one on for size.
inziladun Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2006   Writer
haaha. nicer
inziladun Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2006   Writer
I liked the original much better, this is cluttered & annoying & stupid. it was spurid earlier, but it was witty. it ended with a pirate doing the robot half-heartedly, it was one of the best plays I've ever read.
can't have it all I guess
KaizerARC Featured By Owner Dec 11, 2006
:+fav: I love this
especialy "jerk", what a jerk
GeneratingHype Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2006
GUY 1. But it's there.
[GUY 2. What for?]
GUY 1. It’s a plot device

Stick with the image you're trying to create: off stage is a burning house, which can almost seem literal but which we all know is this 'plot device' and the "What for?" just doesn't seem to be the right question to follow "But it's there."

But it's there

But it's there.

But it's there.

You probably don't want to ask "How?" because you use it well after this, and "Why?" seems far too open-ended, but I think the repetition of "Oh" would actually make more sense, in context, and feel more authentic, especially because GUY 1 is talking about the burning house almost defensively--continuing his explanation without much prompting otherwise.

GUY 2. I don't smoke.
GUY 1. Well this is my story[,] and in my story you smoke.
GUY 2. [But] I don't want to smoke.
GUY 1. Smoke the goddamn cigarette.


Well, this is my story, and in my story you smoke.

Punctuation is as important in plays as it is anywhere else, especially if you want the dialogue to have a certain impact and be spoken in a certain way. In fact, most punctuation began because directors and writers wanted their actors to know where to take a breath, etc.

I included "But" because Guy 2 seems just a wee bit whiney and puny compared to Guy 1, and I think it sounds more natural as dialogue--especially when followed by the command to smoke the damn cigarette.

GUY 2. [I said I didn't smoke, didn't I? If the smoking is so important you should have lit one up.]
GUY 1. I don't smoke.

That first line is awkward and doesn't feel quite right to me. If someone had told me to smoke, and I smoked a cigarette and began to choke, and I tried to throw back the accusation that they made me smoke but they aren't smoking themselves, I might be less inclined to describe lighting one up and more interested in establishing that the other bastard isn't smoking. It's mostly that "should have" which, as dialogue, honestly works better as "should've"--but here it's not that he should have done something, it's that he should BE doing it already. Does that make sense? It's a tense issue.

"I said I didn't smoke, didn't I? If the smoking is so important, why aren't you?"


"I said I didn't smoke, didn't I? If the smoking is so important, why didn't you light up?"

GUY 1. We don't have any firemen.
GUY 2. [What] do we have?

I know why you're using "who" here, but I think authentic dialogue would be closer to "What?" Firemen are less men, here, and more a device--much like the fire--so referring to them as a "what" instead of a "who" seems more natural.

GUY 2. Who's that?
GUY 1. The romantic [lead].
GUY 2. She's not too bad.
GUY 1. She's [doable].

Either describe her as the "love interest" or the "romantic lead"--but don't combine those two things. It's slightly awkward and doesn't quite sound right. I also understand the "doable" and I appreciate that it can have multiple meanings, but I'm a bit bothered by the line. It feels like it should have some added description or stage direction following or preceding it, not unlike a "shrug" or some such to create the scene and the correct connotations. At this point you may be relying too heavily on the dialogue to completely speak for you. If this is something that you are directing, you're going to want the actor to capture the feeling you're putting out, and adding a short, meaningful description that will give the word its proper resonance might help here.

Otherwise think of editing to something like "She works" or "She'll work" or something similar.
GUY 2. Another guy? We already have two.
GUY 1. [He’s important.]
GUY 2. How's that?
GUY 1. He's the [boyfriend.] Eventually [she'll realize] he’s a jerk and [fall] in love with me[--]who's been under her nose all along.
GUY 2. You don't even know her.
GUY 1. [Sure I do.] It's my story.

I don't think you have to emphasize that Guy 1 is in control of the story twice in one small section, and the "I'll make him important" seems far too congratulatory to really work here. Also, I took out some unnecessary repetition and changed some verb tenses to make that line feel a little more active; it helps the flow. Also, the comma simply wasn't enough of a pause for the line or your actor, there, so I changed it to the dash. The dash is made for dialogue.

I added "Sure I do" (you can play around with something similar) simply because I felt the "It's my story" needed a little more justification or clarification there, especially when you take out the "I'll make him important," but it's not a necessary edit at all (are any of them, really?). It's just a suggestion.
GUY 1. No. Don't fall in love with me straight away, though. We need to draw out the sexual tension until our eyes meet under the stars or something. Then we kiss, fade to black[,] and everybody goes home happy.
LOVE INTEREST. I don't get it.
GUY 1. That's how romances are done. Nobody cares about the kiss itself. [That’s what porn is for.] [to GUY 2. ] Are you done with that cigarette?

I think the comma is warranted, and I think the porn line is trying too hard for a joke. You don't need it, and bringing porn (and all its connotations) into something that has yet to border on or introduce anything crass (especially in regards to the dialogue) seems entirely out of place. When you look at the next section, where even the vulgar words are used a device, this joke feels even more forced.
JERK. What the fucking cockshit?
LOVE INTEREST. [Oh Jerry, please--no. I was just--]
JERK. Fuck that fuck, I'm fucking pissed the [fucking fuck].
LOVE INTEREST. We were just talking…
JERK. Fucking football ass-shit ass-shit shit-fuck-slut.
GUY 2. I hope there aren't any kids in the audience.
GUY 1. He doesn't care; he's [a jerk] like that.

I made some suggestions to the girlfriend line simply because it I felt the order was wrong in regards to the emphasis an actor might want to put on the line. The dashes were added for similar reasons. Also, fucking is the verb and you want to end that line with the noun, so I switched that order, too.

The hyphens are because, in print (and probably in performance) you're going to want to tell the actor (and the reader) exactly where the random words are and where the string is. There is a string here, I think where I included the hyphens, and it makes those lines easier to both read and speak.

I took out "asshole" because we've already established him as a jerk, and I think it's best to keep things consistent. "Asshole" was trying too hard.
LOVE INTEREST. [I am not going to discuss the finer points of Marxist economic theories right now, Jerry.]
JERK. Cockslap a bitch[.] [Fucking fuck-ass].
LOVE INTEREST. I'm Smithian and always will be. [choking up] Your eloquent rhetoric will never change that.
JERK. Motherfucking fuckass[.] [F]uck a duck.
LOVE INTEREST [with a sob]. Now you're just being hurtful!
JERK. Fuck!

I think those edits are self-explanatory. I laughed out loud on "Fuck a duck."
GUY 1. [The beat].
GUY 1. In dramaturgy, this is called [the] beat. It's a division [in] the scene [where] two characters [make] a mutual discovery. In this case, you have [just] discovered that I am your true love[,] and I have [just] discovered [that] I have a chance of scoring. And it all happened under silvery moonlight.
GUY 2. We’re indoors.
GUY 1. [It's my] story.
LOVE INTEREST. I want to kiss you.
GUY 1. Damn straight.

[They kiss tenderly at first, but then they start to get a little carried away.]

Self-explanatory and similar to edits I've done before. Changing the verb tenses will really help this.
GUY 2. This isn't [a] romance. This is [mile-a-minute] action, baby!

It feels like it needs the article, and the "mile-a-minute" feels like a forced and out-of-place description of action in general. People talk a mile a minute, but action does something else. Think about possible edits for that line.
GUY 1. My story [was] not crappy.
GUY 2. Yeah it [was].
GUY 1. [Was] not!

Changing the tenses will change the mood slightly, and I think making them sound more like two whining children is actually closer to what you're trying to portray here.
GUY 1. Your whole story is stupid. It's not even a story. Mine [had] an intricate plot[.] [Y]ours is just some pirates.
LOVE INTEREST. Somebody please tell the dancing pirate to stop[.] [S]eriously
GUY 2. That's right[.] [B]eat. Your romantic interest just discovered your horrible secret.

"That's right: beat" would also work.
GUY 2. After they exit stage left.

[Exit PIRATE 1 and LOVE INTEREST stage LEFT. ]

And they spend their days dancing the night away. You can't really tell because they're offstage, but rest[-]assured they're dancing their hearts out. The end.
GUY 2. [Oh wait!] [T]he burning house was [yours]. The end.
GUY 1 [to lighting booth]. Turn those goddamn lights [up].

You don't need the "now" as "goddamn" says it for you.
[to GUY 2] [That’s the way it's gonna be, huh?] You slap yourself.

You don't have to kill the effect with multiple, wordy questions.
GUY 1. Twist your nipples.

You need the emphasis here.
LOVE INTEREST. What do I mean? What do I mean? You said I would live happily ever after[!] [she slaps GUY 2]

Or stomps her foot, or does something here.
LOVE INTEREST. Shut up! You said I’d spend the rest of my days dancing. That’s a lot of days. [Some days] I don’t want to dance[!] Some days I want to stay at home and watch TV, or read a book, or call my friends. [And that's] not even the half of it. Shut up.
GUY 2. I didn’t…
LOVE INTEREST. [Shut up!] [Y]ou want[ed] me to marry a pirate, too. A pirate. Do you realize how little market demand there is for a pirate these days?
LOVE INTEREST. [How about--I tell a story?]
GUY 1. No.
LOVE INTEREST. Yes. Yes, I think I will. I like that. You boys [had] your fun[.] [It's] my turn now.
GUY 1. There are no “turns.” I was telling the story.
LOVE INTEREST. [Not anymore.] [Looks around] I need more characters. Pirate and Jerry, re-enter!

I took out some extra words, etc. You don't have to include the redundant "I am now" in that last line.

I have to stop here for now, but if you'd like me to continue, let me know. I'm really enjoying this piece, but it could stand to be cleaned up a bit.
barnabus Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2006
Before seeing this, I revised the play fairly heavily and already included some of your suggestions (because I'm pro like that I guess). I incorporated some of your other suggestions into the current script, which I re-uploaded here. Please take another gander at it and tell me what you think!
GeneratingHype Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2006
I'll certainly take a look when I get the chance.
barnabus Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2006
heck yes
paperworld00 Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2006
Yeah, you're pretty much my hero at this point.
barnabus Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2006
pink-lettuce-leaf Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2006
hahaha, again - brilliant. I think I may have to add this too..

Wait, I could just watch you.
RoccondilRinon Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2006
You are Adams reincarnated.
smileincomparison Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2006
funny. nice. cool. looking forward to more of ur work :D
Delbirt33 Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2006
*seemed natural
Delbirt33 Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2006
The unedited, albeit shorter, version was much better. You could tell that it had lost some of the flair the original had like how you changed "way to smoke" into "well done"... Fuck that, you had it nailed man, why change that? Or "poppin' fresh moves flow through his veins like the mighty Ganges", that was gold, what's this "a mighty river" crap? It was beautiful before, and the ending didn't seem so placed, it seems natural and so hilariously RIGHT. And what's going on with all these other characters... Agh... You know what, it's still funny as hell... But, it was better man... Really it was... :(
barnabus Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2006
The river line sounded forced, the ending occurs much more naturally from the events of the play now as opposed to "welp, here's the end" from before, and the other characters telling their story also seems like a natural extension to the play which I needed to lengthen in order to meet festival requirements. As for the way to smoke line, maybe I'll change that back.
Delbirt33 Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2006
Ah, all I meant to say is that at the time when I first read it, I really needed something as funny as it was... I just couldn't bear it to be different. It's yours, do what you will, no disrespect to someone so talented as yourself; you know better than I.
barnabus Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2006
i wasn't offended or anything, just offering my reasoning
Delbirt33 Featured By Owner Sep 26, 2006
Woot, well, I feel better now.
anotherelena Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2006  Hobbyist General Artist
This is brilliant. has anyone ever played any of your scripts?
barnabus Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2006
Lots of people have asked, I don't know how many of them successfully mounted a production. I have the videos for two high school productions of Fate, one of them wants to do Nothing now, and another guy is making a film out of Afterlife. Somebody else entered Nothing into a Concordia and out of thirty-two entries, this was among the final six. Unfortunately, it was ultimately rejected because I'm not a Concordia student. However, I am submitting it myself for my university's fringe festival in February and hopefully will be directing it.
Platinus Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2006  Hobbyist Digital Artist
so good...
I need a smoke...
barnabus Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2006
welcome to flavour country
misterpopcorn Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2006   Digital Artist
omg..this piece is brilliant!! two-thumbs up!
that was....
ashellessmind Featured By Owner Sep 10, 2006
I read through this and it felt it stagnated at the point where The girl was telling her story, and didn't really pick up again until near the end. I dont know what you added and what was already there, but I just wanted to let you know that I think that was the part you added and likewise it didn't have the feel of the rest of hte piece as well as it could have. Just my thoughts, though.
bananaprincess Featured By Owner Aug 28, 2006
You know, Toni recommended this to me awhile back in ch and I loved it, and then Daniel was pimping it when you revised, and I loved it again, and I've realized I've never commented. How rude of me!

Anyways, I love this piece. It's hilarious, and shows a comfy knowledge of theater and its tropes, sillinesses, and joys. Plus, how can you beat dancing pirates?

Best of luck with it. :)
danielzklein Featured By Owner Aug 9, 2006  Hobbyist Writer
And you did manage to make it about dying again! ;) Man, this is even better than the original! The guys-making-each-other-slap-themselves was a little, uhm, pointless I felt; it could do with a more unique idea than just "you slap yourself". It does make sense in the framework you've set up, but as it is now I feel it's just a little too straightforward. Otherwise your additions are fucking laugh-out-loud funny again. I'd fav this all over if I could :D I LOVED the dicks play. I'm taking my new personal quote from this play :D

Awesome shit! You're going to stomp asses at that festival! DICKS!
barnabus Featured By Owner Aug 9, 2006
You just gave me an awesome idea of what do with the fight. Thanks.
danielzklein Featured By Owner Aug 9, 2006  Hobbyist Writer
:D Speaking of awesome, this is it!
barnabus Featured By Owner Aug 9, 2006
Okay, I changed the fight. Is it awesome? ONLY TIME WILL TELL.
danielzklein Featured By Owner Aug 10, 2006  Hobbyist Writer
There's a certain rhythm to it now. It works a little better for sure. The running into the wall thing gives it a nice punctuated end ;) Nothing says "PERIOD" like running into a wall.
crazyluv Featured By Owner Aug 8, 2006   Writer
You did a great job on this it is really funny! I love it.
forgotten-thoughts Featured By Owner Aug 8, 2006
i really like this revision, except that for some reason i cant read all of the long lines. they get cut off. im not sure how much im really liking V5.

anyway, i loved the original, and the extension (from what i can see) is equally great. good luck with the festival.
barnabus Featured By Owner Aug 8, 2006
Is your screen resolution too low?
forgotten-thoughts Featured By Owner Aug 8, 2006
um.. i dont know what that means. but my monitor is a piece of shit. i some of the longer lines just.... go off the screen. and i cant scroll over or anything. did i already say that?
TheZoetrope Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2006
Love it. Great work.
bellehaleine1919 Featured By Owner Jul 12, 2006
Wow! You must be a writer. And absurd, no less.
The kitchen sinks in your realistic abswordism.
You're.... a live wire too.
Cherri13 Featured By Owner May 27, 2006
Omg that was fucking hilarious!!!
handcuffz22 Featured By Owner May 24, 2006
HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!! That was pure genius!!!
X-Cold-Hearted-X Featured By Owner Apr 28, 2006
Lmao, that was actually one of the funniest things I've read in ages!

Jeez, you deserve a fav for that :D
justim Featured By Owner Apr 6, 2006
Well, according to the Concordia University Theatre Department, this is good enough to be produced, but it's not going to be (at least not by them) :(. As you may recall, I asked your permission a few months ago to submit it to a short play competition they were holding. There were thirty two entires, and six winners. Yours was one of them. Unfortunately, as I feared, they are only allowing Concordia University students to have their plays produced (even though they didn't make that explicit in their call for submissions). Sorry if I got your hopes up only to burst them. For what it's worth, the professor that I spoke to was very dissapointed that they couldn't put it on. They (somewhat stupidly) assumed I'd written it, even though I marked your name very clearly on the entry. My name was below preceded by "Submited by:"

Anyway, I'm sure you're fully aware by now, but it's an awsome play. Congrats.
barnabus Featured By Owner Apr 6, 2006
Well, that sucks, but I understand why they made the decision. At least I was actually one of the finalists. Thanks for trying, I appreciate it.
justim Featured By Owner Apr 7, 2006
Ya, sucks quite a bit. I could have always plagiarized and then asked your permission and slipped it by, but I didn't think of that when they announced it, and wouldn't feel comfortable doing it without asking first. They announced it as, "Nothing, by David A. (I forget your last name, sorry), or, Tim Case" It was a bit embarrasing to have to say, "Uh, it's not my play," in front of a big group of profs and university students. Doh.
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