A desert road.

A body lies on the road.  SAM is sitting on it.  It is his corpse.  He gets up.  Looks at the body, and looks at himself.  He feels himself for fat.  He goes stage LEFT. As he reaches the end, he stops.  He then goes stage RIGHT.   He stops.  He looks out toward the audience.  He goes upstage.  He goes downstage.  Finally, he glumly takes a seat on his body again and sighs heavily with his chin in both hands, elbows on his knees.  He stares at the ground and takes no notice of his surroundings.

Enter CHARON, stage RIGHT. He is wearing simple brown robes and a walking staff.  Middle-aged and balding.  He drags his feet, hunched over and head down, like someone who has been on his feet for a long time.  Noticing SAM, he straightens himself.  He takes a scroll from his side and inspects it.  Then he looks at SAM.   Satisfied, he puts the scroll back and walks over to SAM.  He stands there briefly, who is still unaware of CHARON’s presence. .

CHARON.  Are you Sam?

[SAM is startled.  He looks CHARON up and down.]

SAM.  Yes.
CHARON.  Good.

CHARON sits down and stretches his legs.

We can leave in a moment.

Pause.

SAM.  What happens now?
CHARON.  We sit.
SAM.  Is that part of the grand plan?
CHARON.  The what?
SAM.  The grand celestial plan.  Sitting here.
CHARON.  No.
SAM.  Oh.

Pause.

Then why...

CHARON.  You died in the middle of nowhere and I had to walk here.  That's why.  You have eternity ahead of you, no need to rush into things.

Pause.

SAM.  Who are you?
CHARON.  I am the ferryman.  I ferry the dead.
SAM.  I don't see a ferry.
CHARON.  No, you don't.  We have to walk to the ferry.
SAM.  Couldn't you have brought a car?
CHARON.  I'm not the chauffeur.  I'm the ferryman.
SAM.  But we're in the desert.
CHARON.  I'll worry about the how.  You can worry about the where.
SAM.  Where is the where?
CHARON.  Somewhere.
SAM.  But where?
CHARON.  Possibly anywhere.

Pause. CHARON pulls out another scroll, along with a pencil and reading glasses.

SAM.  What's that?
CHARON.  A preference test.
SAM.  For what?
CHARON.  No, for where.

Pause.

Did you die gloriously in battle?

SAM looks at his corpse.

SAM.  I don't think so.
CHARON.  Valhalla is out of the picture.
SAM.  What would I have done in Valhalla?
CHARON.  Get drunk and fight.
SAM.  I don't think I could handle that.
CHARON.  Ok.
SAM.  The sight of blood always made me squeamish.

Pause.

Maybe it's for the best.

CHARON.  Maybe.
SAM.  What's next?
CHARON.  Reincarnation.
SAM.  What are my options?
CHARON.  Moss and mould.
SAM.  ...What kind of moss?
CHARON.  Buxbaumia aphylla.

SAM considers it.

SAM.  No.

CHARON makes a check mark on the scroll.

CHARON.  Sacrificed any lambs to Zeus lately?
SAM.  Not that I recall.
CHARON.  Why not?
SAM.  I guess I kept putting it off.

CHARON makes a check mark.

CHARON.  What about Satan?
SAM.  No.  We didn't have much of a relationship, really.
CHARON.  That's ok, he wouldn't mind.
SAM.  Where is he again?
CHARON.  Hell.
SAM.  Oh yeah, that place.  Is it big?
CHARON.  Nine levels.
SAM.  Keep going.
CHARON.  Have you ever been baptized?
SAM.  I don’t know.  I don't really remember it.
CHARON.  Well, you might be eligible for the first level.
SAM.  First level?
CHARON.  The non-baptized and virtuous.  Basically a big field where everyone sullenly mopes around.  Are you a nature person?
SAM.  I guess so.  But that sounds kind of depressing.
CHARON.  It is.
SAM.  Never mind then.
CHARON.  Level two is an eternal tempest on a sea full of krakens.
SAM.  I get seasick easily.
CHARON.  We can say no to that, too.
SAM.  Where is Satan specifically?
CHARON.  The ninth level.
SAM.  What's that like?
CHARON.  Pretty cold.
SAM.  No.  No, I don't think Hell will suit me at all.
CHARON.  Fair enough.  What about Heaven?
SAM.  The other place?
CHARON.  Yes.
SAM.  What's there?
CHARON.  God.
SAM.  What else?
CHARON.  That's about it.
SAM.  That sucks.
CHARON.  Some people like it.
SAM.  Some people like a lot of things.
CHARON.  A lot of people like some things.
SAM.  Are we a lot of people?

They look around.

CHARON.  It doesn’t look like it.
SAM.  I don’t want to take the risk.
CHARON.  No Heaven, then.

Pause.

CHARON.  Let's take a break.
SAM.  Sure.

CHARON pockets his glasses.  Pause.

SAM.  My name is Sam.
CHARON.  I know.
SAM.  I didn’t introduce myself.
CHARON.  You did just now.
SAM.  Before, I mean.
CHARON.  Before when?
SAM.  Before I introduced myself.

Pause.

SAM.  Well?
CHARON.  Yes?
SAM.  Are you going to introduce yourself?
CHARON.  Why?
SAM.  I don’t know your name.
CHARON.  Why do you want to know my name?
SAM.  It’s the nice thing to do.
CHARON.  I am the ferryman.
SAM.  That’s not your name.
CHARON.  Why not?
SAM.  It’s your job.
CHARON.  Why can’t it be my name?
SAM.  Maybe if you said it like it had capital letters.
CHARON [with emphasis] .  I am The Ferryman.
SAM.  That sounds a bit pompous.
CHARON.  I didn’t make fun of your name.
SAM.  I don’t think we’re making much progress.
CHARON.  Why don’t you just ask?
SAM.  I thought I did.
CHARON.  No you didn’t.  You just asked me if I was going to introduce myself.
SAM.  What’s your name?
CHARON.  Charon.

Pause.

What is it?

SAM.  I was expecting something more grandiose.
CHARON.  Why?
SAM.  It took so long to get it out of you.  Could you attach a title to it?
CHARON.  I am Charon, The Ferryman.
SAM.  Much better!  It’s a pleasure to meet you.

They go to shake hands. CHARON extends his left.   SAM extends his right.   CHARON switches to his right, and SAM to his left.  CHARON to the left, SAM to the right.

SAM.  Forget it.  I can never remember these social niceties.
CHARON.  Neither can I.
SAM.  I must confess, I’ve never been very social.
CHARON.  Neither have I.
SAM.  I guess that’s why I’m out here.
CHARON.  What were you doing?
SAM.  Walking.
CHARON.  Were you planning to die?
SAM.  No, that just happened along the way.

Pause.

[looking at the corpse]   What happens to this?
CHARON.  It just lies there.
SAM.  Does it do anything?
CHARON.  It rots.
SAM.  That’s not very impressive.
CHARON.  It’s not meant to be.  It doesn’t matter what happens to it.  It’s what happens to you.
SAM.  What happens to me?
CHARON.  We haven’t decided yet.
SAM.  What else is there, then?
CHARON [looking over the scroll] .  Not a lot, to be honest.
SAM [pointing stage RIGHT].  What about over there?
CHARON.  What about it?
SAM.  Can I stay there?
CHARON.  What’s so special about it?
SAM.  I don’t know.  It’s not here.
CHARON.  It’s the same thing as here.
SAM.  Let me check.

SAM exits stage RIGHT. He re-enters after a count of five.

CHARON.  How was it?
SAM.  I like it better here.
CHARON.  You need to go somewhere, you know.
SAM.  I know.

Pause.

SAM.  What was in the other levels of Hell?
CHARON.  Unspeakable pain and eternal suffering.
SAM.  Good or bad?
CHARON.  Bad.
SAM.  In your opinion.
CHARON.  In my opinion.
SAM.  What about Heaven?
CHARON.  It’s pretty popular.
SAM.  I think I’ll try that out after all.
CHARON.  Heaven it is.

CHARON makes a mark on his scroll and puts it back on his belt.

Let’s go.

They move stage LEFT, when suddenly CHARON stops, uncertain.  He looks around.

SAM.  What is it?
CHARON.  Where are we?
SAM.  The desert.
CHARON.  Where in the desert?
SAM.  I don’t know.  I was just walking around.
CHARON.  Are you sure you don’t know?
SAM.  Don’t you know?
CHARON.  I forgot.
SAM.  Let’s just walk around.

They exit stage LEFT.   They re-enter stage RIGHT.

SAM.  Is this it?
CHARON.  Is this what?
SAM.  It.  Heaven.  Are we there?
CHARON.  No.  I think this is where we came from.
SAM.  Is it?
CHARON.  There’s the body.
SAM.  Oh.  Maybe we could split up.
CHARON.  Good idea.

CHARON heads stage LEFT. SAM heads stage RIGHT. Suddenly, CHARON stops and turns.

Wait!

SAM turns around.

No it’s not.

SAM.  Why not?
CHARON.  It’s no good if I find it without you.  And you don’t even know what you’re looking for.
SAM.  I’m looking for Heaven.  God’s there.
CHARON.  Regardless.
SAM.  Fine.

They rejoin, CENTRE stage.

What do we do?

CHARON.  Let’s sit here for a bit.
SAM.  That’s what we were doing before.
CHARON.  Which means we have experience with it.

They sit.

SAM.  Maybe this is where I’m supposed to be.
CHARON.  But this isn’t a where.  It’s just a here.
SAM.  True.
CHARON.  Others will be waiting for me.
SAM.  They have all eternity ahead of them.
CHARON.  True.
SAM.  No need to rush into things.

Pause.

Lights dim.

SAM.  Not very impressive.
CHARON.  It’s not meant to be.

Lights out.